How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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