btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
