also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
