just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
