I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
