Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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