Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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