listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm both gender and math confused
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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