wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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