remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
