She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
