I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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