Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
