someone threw a dead crab at me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
