I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
