On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
