you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
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Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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