She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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