You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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