I met the friendliest cop last night
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
