just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
