he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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