I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
