I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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