All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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