Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
