We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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