I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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