Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
