I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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