you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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