I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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