For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
