As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
