my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
