My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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