Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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