She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
