Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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