never play flip cup with pint glasses
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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