she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
