I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
