just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
