i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
