I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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