Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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