awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
