Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
one might say we're banned from that church
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
