I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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