Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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