i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
