did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
