i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
