the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
