Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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